Navigating the "Maybe": Understanding Relationship Doubts

Navigating the "Maybe": Understanding Relationship Doubts

It’s a common misconception that a healthy relationship is a 100% doubt-free zone. In reality, even the most solid couples occasionally glance at the exit sign. However, when those "What if?" questions start to feel like a permanent soundtrack, it’s time to look closer.

Using the research of Drs. John and Julie Gottman, we can categorise and address these doubts not as "the beginning of the end," but as data points for growth.

1. The "Safety Check" vs. The "Exit Strategy"

The Gottmans emphasize the importance of the Sound Relationship House. Doubts usually creep in when one of the levels of this house feels shaky.

Normal Doubt: Occurs during life transitions (buying a house, having a baby) or after a heated argument. It’s usually a reaction to stress, not the partner themselves.

Warning Sign Doubt: When you begin to rewrite your "System of Shared Meaning." If you can no longer imagine a future together or if your "Story of Us" has turned entirely negative, the doubt is signalling a deeper disconnect.

2. The Role of "Negative Sentiment Override"

When a relationship is struggling, couples often enter Negative Sentiment Override (NSO). This is a state where even neutral or positive actions by your partner are viewed through a lens of suspicion or annoyance.

The Doubt Cycle: You doubt the relationship, You interpret their silence as "being cold" , You withdraw The relationship actually gets worse.

The Gottman Perspective: Doubt is often a byproduct of a depleted Emotional Bank Account. When you haven't had enough "micro-connections" (small moments of turning toward each other), the vacuum is filled with uncertainty.

3. Comparing the "Real" to the "Alternative"

One of the most dangerous forms of doubt involves what the Gottmans call "CL-Alt" (Comparison Level for Alternatives). This is a mathematical-social theory often used in their research:

The Concept: We stay in relationships as long as the current relationship is perceived as better than the perceived alternative (being alone or being with someone else).

If you are constantly "window shopping" for a different life, you stop investing in your current one. This creates a "Betrayal Trait" where you’re physically present but emotionally packed.

How to Move Forward

If you're currently wrestling with doubt, try these Gottman-inspired steps:Step, Action, Goal

Check the Pulse List 3 things you still admire about your partner. |Combat Negative Sentiment Override.

State the Need : Use a "Softened Start-up" to voice your doubt: "I've been feeling lonely lately and I'm worried about our connection." Invite your partner in rather than pushing them away.

The 5:1 Ratio| Ensure you have 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative one. Refill the Emotional Bank Account to see if the doubt fades.

The Reality Check

Doubt doesn't always mean you should leave; often, it’s a signal that the relationship is under-nourished. However, if the doubt is rooted in the "Four Horsemen" (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling), professional counselling is the best way to determine if the "House" can be rebuilt.